I feel like I'm all mixed up. I feel like the world is spinning, yet I'm standing still...and I'm getting quite dizzy. Nauseous. Confused. Anxious. Unsettled. Restless. Empty. Lonely.
Every summer since I can remember, I've always started to long for structure around the beginning of August. I would talk to myself, saying---Abby, are you dumb? It's summer! Who wants to go to school, come home, do homework, eat, study more, shower and go to bed everyday, in that order! Be free! Enjoy the laziness of summer! Don't worry!
Well, I'm a creature of habit. I'm longing for it. As I'm typing this, I'm yelling at myself. I've had one AMAZING summer and I shouldn't want it to end. I feel so mixed up. I was home in PA for a month and then I was back in VA for 5 days and then I left for church camp where I was a counselor for the Older girls (rising 6th and 7th graders). I got home on Saturday and didn't know what to do with myself. Today was church and spending time with friends. Again, I felt so out of the loop about things that I didn't want to hear one more thing that I missed. I'm leaving for Richmond on Thursday morning to visit Rach at her dad's, where we'll veg, spend time with her family, ride sea doos, and have great conversations--ones that have been on the back burner because we haven't seen each other for a long time. I'm so excited to see her! But it's another addition to my craziness feeling.
Desire without Discipline always results in Disappointment.
Tonight at Frontline, this hit my soul. I feel so mixed up because I have all of these desires, yet no discipline.
Desires
Teach overseas
Spend time in God's word and reawaken and deepen my stagnant relationship with Him
Learn Spanish
Teach overseas
Destroy my debt
Casual, confident conversation and mingling with guys, leading to dating
Prepare for school
Teach overseas
Make my house a home
Destroy my debt
All these things I want, yet I'm doing NOTHING to make it happen. Nothing. How can God even take me serious about teaching overseas when I'm not trying? I need to make my relationship real with Him, I need to grow the desire for evangelism and I need to destroy my debt. I'm not even making one ounce of effort to save. I'm not spending like crazy, but I'm not budgeted.
Disappointment. I think that sums up all those feelings.
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